one is heart, the other duty

This is a call to all the dead and disappointed 
The ones who feel like they are done 
This is a word to all the ones who feel forgotten 
But you are not 
Oh you are not

We’re alive, alive, alive we’re singing 
We’re alive, alive, alive and we’re shaken 
We’re alive, alive, alive, alive in You

We are soaked in all the grace that we’ve been given 
Unchained from all that we have done 
Your mercy’s rising like the sun on the horizon 
We’re coming home 

- All Sons and Daughters

I’ve finally realized how busyness can strip away every sense of closeness with God. This concept has always baffled me, as I always have considered myself a busy person, and I always had time to devote to prayer and devotions. However, I have realized all too harshly that busyness is a huge detriment to your faith.

Last semester, I said “yes” to too many things. Two volunteer leadership position and a course overload. Due to this, I was stretched and not doing my best in anything, and just kind of coasting through. I had “no time” for God, and when He wanted to speak to me I just brushed it off.

I knew something was wrong when I was leading worship at a retreat. Usually, retreats are laid-back and I seem to have time to just sit and bask in the awesomeness that is our Saviour, however this time I never felt at peace. I didn’t have any time to myself to pray and seek Him, and as I was waiting for the rest of the team to come to practice, God slapped me on the face. His presence and spirit were so suddenly thick that I could not even comprehend what was wrong. A guy who happened to witness this asked is something was wrong and all I could force out of my mouth was, “I’m fine” as I sat on the mantle of the fireplace crumpled into a helpless ball. God hit me like a freight train. I began to pour out praise in tongues, as I knew not what to say or what to pray for as I was immobilized by the spirit. I felt a heavy weight on my heart, and I didn’t know what God was asking me. 

We continued practice and after, I went into the back room alone to pray and listen. Still, nothing was revealed to me. 

After the service I sat and, for the first time ever, wrote a letter to my future spouse. I felt this was what God wanted me to do, and as I was pouring out my heart to this nameless person I felt a small amount of the weight being lifted off my heart. This was kind of a strange request as God had been speaking to me for the past while  about singleness and making me realize that I need to be okay with never getting married, as I should be living a life honouring Him and His will and not my own. 

After this retreat, I began again to push God away more and more. Less and less I felt His spirit and his voice in my life. 

Sunday, I watched Les Miserable for a second time. I left the theatre crying and unable to stop. I had no idea what was going on. I hadn’t experienced that kind of despair in a long time, and I was confused. I was lonely, depressed and scared of my unknown future. In four months I will be homeless, a recent graduate and with no where to go. Nothing is expected of me other than finding a job. This terrifies me. 

I feel dead and dissapointed because my plans didn’t happen. I’m not married. Not even close, and now I have to lead myself and figure out on my own what God has for me. 

I feel like I am done, because God has given me so many “almosts” in the relationship department. Many have been heartbreaking. Others were embarrassing. 

I feel like God has forgotten me. Everyone else around me has plans. They have buddies, friends or signifiacant others, that they are teaming up with and figuring out life together. I am alone. 

BUT GOD HAS GIVEN ME HOPE. 

After this breakdown, God spoke through some of my friends and reminded me of His truths and promises. I spent many hours in our prayer pit in our house with candles ablaze, lights out and the All Sons and Daughters album blaring.

I have realized that:

I am a sinner

If it’s not one thing it’s another

Caught up in words

Tangled in LIES.

But YOU ARE A SAVIOUR

And you take brokenness aside

And make it beautiful. 

-All Sons and Daughters

I am never alone. I always have God leading me, as it should be. I shouldn’t be looking at what society asks of me or expects out of me. These are LIES that I believe. Pressure from family to settle down and find a spouse are just WORDS. And by believe these things I am more and more of a SINNER. I will always be a sinner. If it’s not one thing I struggle with, there will be another. But I have a hope. My heart is held by the King, my Heavenly Father who holds me, loves me and LEADS me through everything. His glory is so beautiful and His mercy and grace abound in me refreshed and renewed day by day. My life is His and all of my hope is only in Him. 

And I shall cling to THESE TRUTHS through my loneliness, depression and shame. 

I have FAITH. I have HOPE. I have LOVE. 

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears    and delivers them out of all their troubles.The Lord is near to the brokenhearted    and saves the crushed in spirit.Many are the afflictions of the righteous,    but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

-Psalms 34:17-19