one is heart, the other duty

This is a call to all the dead and disappointed 
The ones who feel like they are done 
This is a word to all the ones who feel forgotten 
But you are not 
Oh you are not

We’re alive, alive, alive we’re singing 
We’re alive, alive, alive and we’re shaken 
We’re alive, alive, alive, alive in You

We are soaked in all the grace that we’ve been given 
Unchained from all that we have done 
Your mercy’s rising like the sun on the horizon 
We’re coming home 

- All Sons and Daughters

I’ve finally realized how busyness can strip away every sense of closeness with God. This concept has always baffled me, as I always have considered myself a busy person, and I always had time to devote to prayer and devotions. However, I have realized all too harshly that busyness is a huge detriment to your faith.

Last semester, I said “yes” to too many things. Two volunteer leadership position and a course overload. Due to this, I was stretched and not doing my best in anything, and just kind of coasting through. I had “no time” for God, and when He wanted to speak to me I just brushed it off.

I knew something was wrong when I was leading worship at a retreat. Usually, retreats are laid-back and I seem to have time to just sit and bask in the awesomeness that is our Saviour, however this time I never felt at peace. I didn’t have any time to myself to pray and seek Him, and as I was waiting for the rest of the team to come to practice, God slapped me on the face. His presence and spirit were so suddenly thick that I could not even comprehend what was wrong. A guy who happened to witness this asked is something was wrong and all I could force out of my mouth was, “I’m fine” as I sat on the mantle of the fireplace crumpled into a helpless ball. God hit me like a freight train. I began to pour out praise in tongues, as I knew not what to say or what to pray for as I was immobilized by the spirit. I felt a heavy weight on my heart, and I didn’t know what God was asking me. 

We continued practice and after, I went into the back room alone to pray and listen. Still, nothing was revealed to me. 

After the service I sat and, for the first time ever, wrote a letter to my future spouse. I felt this was what God wanted me to do, and as I was pouring out my heart to this nameless person I felt a small amount of the weight being lifted off my heart. This was kind of a strange request as God had been speaking to me for the past while  about singleness and making me realize that I need to be okay with never getting married, as I should be living a life honouring Him and His will and not my own. 

After this retreat, I began again to push God away more and more. Less and less I felt His spirit and his voice in my life. 

Sunday, I watched Les Miserable for a second time. I left the theatre crying and unable to stop. I had no idea what was going on. I hadn’t experienced that kind of despair in a long time, and I was confused. I was lonely, depressed and scared of my unknown future. In four months I will be homeless, a recent graduate and with no where to go. Nothing is expected of me other than finding a job. This terrifies me. 

I feel dead and dissapointed because my plans didn’t happen. I’m not married. Not even close, and now I have to lead myself and figure out on my own what God has for me. 

I feel like I am done, because God has given me so many “almosts” in the relationship department. Many have been heartbreaking. Others were embarrassing. 

I feel like God has forgotten me. Everyone else around me has plans. They have buddies, friends or signifiacant others, that they are teaming up with and figuring out life together. I am alone. 

BUT GOD HAS GIVEN ME HOPE. 

After this breakdown, God spoke through some of my friends and reminded me of His truths and promises. I spent many hours in our prayer pit in our house with candles ablaze, lights out and the All Sons and Daughters album blaring.

I have realized that:

I am a sinner

If it’s not one thing it’s another

Caught up in words

Tangled in LIES.

But YOU ARE A SAVIOUR

And you take brokenness aside

And make it beautiful. 

-All Sons and Daughters

I am never alone. I always have God leading me, as it should be. I shouldn’t be looking at what society asks of me or expects out of me. These are LIES that I believe. Pressure from family to settle down and find a spouse are just WORDS. And by believe these things I am more and more of a SINNER. I will always be a sinner. If it’s not one thing I struggle with, there will be another. But I have a hope. My heart is held by the King, my Heavenly Father who holds me, loves me and LEADS me through everything. His glory is so beautiful and His mercy and grace abound in me refreshed and renewed day by day. My life is His and all of my hope is only in Him. 

And I shall cling to THESE TRUTHS through my loneliness, depression and shame. 

I have FAITH. I have HOPE. I have LOVE. 

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears    and delivers them out of all their troubles.The Lord is near to the brokenhearted    and saves the crushed in spirit.Many are the afflictions of the righteous,    but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

-Psalms 34:17-19 

 

jamaican me crazy

God’s plans baffle me some days. A few years ago as I was trying to figure out why God put me in a business degree I discovered the concept of Micro-business. I don’t know much about it still, but in a nutshell, it’s when people go to villages and teach women and village people how to create and sustain their family through trade and small business. Organizations such as Ten Thousand Villages support these people through selling handcrafts and fair-trade product to us and giving the profits to the craftswomen and men. 

This, I believe, is how poverty can be solved. And this is what I get to research for the next 8 weeks for credit.

In 28 days, 19 hours and 58 minutes I shall embark on an adventure to Jamaica, where I will advise and consult with a small eco-resort as to how to begin their own microfarm. 

Here is a link to the resort’s facebook page and website:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Green-Castle-Estate/326366614075995?fref=ts

http://www.gcjamaica.com

To say I’m excited is an understatement. 

Today, I begin research. As a requirement for my class, I must become an expert in microfarming. So here I go, headfirst, into the beginning of what I believe a much larger plan that God has for me. 

An unplowed field produces food for the poor,
    but injustice sweeps it away. - Proverbs 13:23

Why I Don't Wait Anymore

Why I Don't Wait Anymore

We are not living in a world where all roads are radii of a circle and where all, if followed long enough, will therefore draw gradually nearer and finally meet at the centre.

Rather we live in a world where every road, after a few miles, forks into two, and each of those into two again, and at each fork you must make a decision.

…I do not thing that all who choose wrong roads perish; but their rescue consists in being put back on the right road

- C.S Lewis

love came down and rescued me

Hello everyone out there!

It’s been a while since I’ve shared anything on here… whoops. Life got a lil’ bit craycray. 

It’s June now! After a month of being a jobless bum, I got a job working at a church in the city, so I get to stay here for the entire summer! Woohoo! The church is a lot more conservative than I’m used to and I’m a bit hesitant about all the rules and such, but tomorrow is my first Sunday teaching Sunday School and I’m teaching a lesson I’ve been working on all week. I’m super pumped and a bit scared though, but I know God’s got it all under control!

Now that that’s out of the way, here’s what’s on my mind. 

Have you ever met one of those people, usually of the opposite sex, when you’re hopelessly attracted to them yet you just want to punch them in the face because they frustrate you so much? yeah. Not too sure how I should be handling this, but I honestly think it’s so silly. I was talking with a lovely wise woman in my life about this a few weeks ago, and I can’t make sense of it. Why would God put such a person in my path? Or maybe it’s not God at all, and just my raging lonely hormones trying to find something to crush on. Whatever it is, it’s actually the most frustrating things in the whole world. And, being a woman who firmly believes in the art of pursuit by a man, I can’t even try to see if the attraction is just my heart playing games with me, or if it’s completely unfounded. It’s a bit of a conundrum. So I’ve come up with a partial solution, which involves a little Ruth-Boaz action.

As Mark Driscoll interpreted in his series, Redeeming Ruth, I’ve been pulling a put-yourself-infront-of-the-man-all-pretty-like-and-hope-he-notices-because-men-are-thick-sometimes. Although I haven’t intentionally been stalking this person, I have been randomly bumping into them (like actually randomly, not intentionally) looking half-decent and trying to figure out if my emotions are real or if I actually just want to punch this person in the face.  

Surprisingly, the person is a lot nicer than I thought they were. Like not even close to the person I had thought they were. And little by little, that punching reflex seems to be subsiding. 

But, God being God, nothing else has happened. He’s softening my heart and changing my feelings towards this person. Maybe it’s just so that I can learn to get a long with them better. Or maybe it’s more. I’m leaving it with God because I know that His plans for my life are abundantly better and perfect than anything I can control or create for myself. 

In the mean time, I’m still going to battle with this loneliness and deep desire for companionship. I have my good days, and then, like today, I have my bad days. Thankfully, I have good accountability partners and fantastic friends who steer me towards to truth found in God’s word and the fulfillment I have in Christ. 

Here’s some music I’m listening to today. Next to reading the Bible, some good worship is the best remedy for depression. God’s love NEVER FAILS. It NEVER GIVES UP. It NEVER RUNS OUT. 

One Thing Remains

Wise Words from a Wise Woman

Wise Words from a Wise Woman

The Idolatry of Modesty

“Imagine if men were subject to women’s “stumbling block” argument as much as women are to men? Imagine if a woman’s heart was cared for, cherished, and defended with the same tenacity that Christians defend men’s purity? You would certainly hear a lot less sermons about women having to dress a certain way, and more sermons about guys needing to repent of flirty text messages late at night with a girl he has no intention of pursuing. Maybe rather than girl’s having to pass the “skirt test” in the hallway, the teenage boys would have to pass the “text message test” by having their Christian teacher read through them everyday. Imagine that?” - Jeff Bethke

Click here to read the rest of this article.

one isn't the loneliness number.

“I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.”

- 1 Corinthians 7:32-35

This verse is completely and utterly true. I find in my singleness I yearn for companionship, yet this verse speaks truth. It begs the question, why do I use my time trying to seek companionship and what I don’t have instead of chasing after Christ and bettering the relationship with my Bridegroom which I already possess? 

As I read through the first half of 1 Corinthians on the beach yesterday I felt as though I had never read it before. New meaning was popping out left right and center and really challenging me in my singleness.

Paul ENCOURAGES us to be single. He sees it as the only way to be completely and utterly devoted to Christ. Again and again Paul declares singleness to be a blessing.

So why hasn’t anyone ever told me this before?

I feel as though our culture, both Christian and secular, emphasize that you are not complete without a significant other. Sometimes I feel as though I have no choice but to be a girlfriend, wife and mother. Women in my past have told me to write a checklist of what I want in a future husband and to not settle for anything less, yet are always asking me and almost pressuring me to find a boyfriend as if I’m such a waste without one. Then there’s that cliché line “When you stop looking, you’ll find the one”, but doesn’t that imply that you never stopped looking? 

I find myself convicted because I too have found myself asking the same questions and giving the same advice I was given to younger women. I think I’ve been going about the whole topic wrong. Why does finding a life parter have to be such a selfish pursuit? 

Through this phase of my life and learning to guard my heart, I’ve discovered that I need to be less selfish in my pursuit of trying to find someone to fit my wants and needs, and to being thinking about how I will submit, serve and support any man that may meander into my life. 

I need to begin re-focussing my desires to be a wife and mother into undivided devotion to the Lord. It says in 1 Peter 3:1-4

“Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

I’m learning through all of this that a clean heart is what God cares about most. Not one that’s been scarred through many relationships. I praise God that I’ve been guarded in the past by His mercy and grace and have avoided any relationships that in hindsight would not have kept my heart intact. 

For now and the foreseeable future, I will begin and learn to take delight in my singleness and praise the Lord everyday for this opportunity to be completely and utterly devoted to Him and His desires for my life. 

“Create in me a clean heart, O God,    and renew a right spirit within me.Cast me not away from your presence,    and take not your Holy Spirit from me.Restore to me the joy of your salvation,    and uphold me with a willing spirit.”

- Psalm 51:10-12 

reunited, and it feels so GOoD

“Friends come and friends go, but a TRUE friend sticks by you like family.” 

-Proverbs 18:24

Have you ever been estranged from a good friend because of a silly reason? Or maybe you just stopped talking, drifted apart or had a big argument that you couldn’t solve so you walked away? 

For me, it was an awkward situation and circumstance which lead me to be separated from a good friend. 

Here’s the back story…

Back in first year I met a guy (I don’t want to publish his name, so we’ll call him Dreads) who kind of became friends with me and my roommates through the Christian Fellowship group on campus. We really clicked and ended up spending a bunch of time together and really got to know each other super well. He had moved up to our northern city from Toronto because his girlfriend lived here, and was taking a construction program at the college. 

I ended up staying in the city for the spring semester and, since his program was a full 3 semesters, he was here too. The christian fellowship dwindles down in the summer, so Dreads and I ended up spending even more time getting to know each other, which was great, and in my eyes, he became my city brother. We talked so easily together and could just sit on my couch or go for a walk and chat for hours. And, since Dreads was in a committed relationship, I saw him as neutral territory. A Switzerland. No chance of ever dabbling in relationship territory.

When I left the city in May, Dreads was still a taken man, however, a few weeks later he was suddenly single. At the time I thought nothing of it. 

After summer was over and after I moved back to the city, I found myself missing my brother in Christ Dreads. He had moved back to Toronto since his program had finished in August. He came back to the city for a visit during first semester and things were the same. We would walk, chat, drink coffee, and sit on my couch for hours. Things were great! But then, suddenly things were MUCH different. 

Around November when Dreads told me that he was moving back to the city. HUZAH! I was so happy to have my brother back! He asked if we could skype to catch up and chat and we did. And then later that week we skyped again. And then again. And then again. Soon we were skyping and texting almost everyday. He was the first person I talked to when I woke up, and the last person before I went to bed. He started asking me personal questions, like my favourite colour and favourite smell, veering into territory where no one really had ever trecked through in my brain, and also in my heart.

Then, I realized what was happening.

Dreads was PURSUING me.

And I kind of liked it. 

There was only one problem though. This was all through non-video skype and text. Hindsight being 20-20, RED FLAG. 

It all came to a head on New Year’s Eve, when he came up to the city and visited me. The moment I saw him, I knew my heart wasn’t in it. I realized that I kind of forgot about praying and asking God whether this was the right relationship to invest in. I felt God telling me to pull back, slap that thing into reverse, and get out. 

I told him how I was feeling, and he said he was feeling the same. Even now, I’m not too sure if that was the truth though. 

After New Years, Dreads and I stopped talking. He moved up to the city, and began attending christian fellowship events again. However I avoided him. 

I dove into prayer, seeking and asking God for what my next move should be. Should I be friends with Dreads again? Should I let him in my heart?

What God told me wasn’t what I wanted to hear. It broke my heart. I needed to stop talking to Dreads. I had neglected to guard my heart, as God commands in Proverbs 4:23. God was also NOT the CENTER of Dread’s and my relationship. God was kind of in it, but he sure wasn’t at the center of it. 

So I stopped responding to his texts. When he gave up trying to talk to me I deleted his number and started avoiding him.

This all happened a year and a half ago.

——————-

We didn’t talk for a year and a half. My heart hurt for my brother. I missed Dreads and his companionship. However recently, God prompted me to heal this relationship I once lost. Through prayer and scripture, I realized that now was the time for us to be friends again. So last weekend I apporached him, and me being a blunt and straight forward gal, said “Can we be friends again?” 

And he said yes. :)

So this week we met for coffee. We chatted as if no time had passed, and it was wonderful. Turns out he had some soul searching to do too, and our year and a half apart was, in my eyes for Dreads, the best thing that could have happened. He had really grown over the past year and I knew the things that God had shown me all that time ago as reasons to run had been dealt with. 

Will we ever be in that relationship zone again? Nope. But he is my brother. He’s my family. And I’m overjoyed to welcome him back into my life. 

she said trust, give it time

Above all else,  guard your heart. For everything you do flows from it. 

-Proverbs 4:23

So I kind of forgot about this page. Whoops! ha ha

Ukraine was simply AMAZING. It was one of the best expereinces of my life. Trusting God was the best decision I made that summer since I never actually made it to IAWAH. I ended up staying at home against my better judgement and spent the last summer making memories with my beautiful and wise Oma. She ended up passing away in October of 2010, which messed me and my family up for a while. Oma lived a full life, and I know she’s rocking it with Jesus right now, but there’s something missing in my life without her. I miss the sound of her breathing, her sloppy wet kisses, and the way she always told me I was being ridiculous in her thick, Dutch accent. 

The rest of 2010 and into September of 2011 I struggled, unbeknownst to myself, with depression. It wasn’t until a retreat with the Christian fellowship group did God really reveal to me that my thoughts and emotions were not healthy and that I needed to deal with some stuff in my life. 

Since then, God stressed that I needed to be better at guarding my heart, especially when it came to crushing. Honestly, I’m lonely. I yearn for the day when I meet the man who will be my best friend, a man I’ll respect, a man I’ll be able to love and cherish. A man who loves God more than I do. A man who lovingly will correct me and lead me and our family towards a closer relationship with Christ. A man who will dry my tears and make me laugh. A man who laughs at my corny jokes. 

This list could go on forever, but I can’t be trying to find this person or open my heart to them until God awakens those emotions in His time. I’ve held on to everything for 21 years, and I’m not planning on giving those things to anyone but my future husband. I’m not interested in dating around, I’m interested in getting married to my best friend. 

So, what am I going to do in the meantime? Pray. Because I can’t do this on my own.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

 - 1 Thessalonians 5:17

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word,they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

- 1 Peter 3:1-6 

in the chaos, in confusion...

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. “
Proverbs 3:9

This has become one of the most life changing and scary verses of my life. Trusting God sounds easy, but when you have to use 4 months to make enough money to survive for a year, and God sends you to another country to “make disciples” and to a new town to start afresh and disciple some more—making close to $0 income—trusting God becomes a little more difficult. Add trying to convince your parents that you’re not crazy and not being irresponsible adds a whole other level of crazy to the mix.

But despite these hurdles, my game has become trusting God. I know He’ll provide for me, but it’s the fact that He’s sending me into situations that I could have never faced this time last year. If Kristen from 2009 was facing the summer I’m facing now, she would be puking her guts out in the nearest bathroom and developing a substantial ulcer. 

But God, knowing everything, prepared me through University experiences and not living at home for a year and through provision last year for my education, for this ridiculous summer. 

So here I sit. Two days from training at Camp IAWAH, which I have never even seen, let alone experienced in my life, and seven days from my very first missions trip to the Ukraine. Crazy? Unbelievable is more like it. 

And so the chaos begins. Again. Chaos of packing. Chaos of saying goodbye. Chaos of saying hello. Chaos of my stomach. Chaos of the unknown. 

But, deep down inside, I’m beginning not to mind it too much

”God doesn’t come and go. God lasts. He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.”